Henry the Perplexed

Greetings.

I write to share my thoughts on a recently observed Patch phenomenon. Let me explain…

Brigid the Darting Dog frequently performs a herding motion where she runs behind members of the resident guinea flock, chasing them in circles at a high rate of speed. Typically, you also notice this behavior and direct Brigid to cease her chasing. Brigid then runs to you and behaves in an obsequious manner – no self-respecting cat would ever countenance such fawning acts of supplication and apology. Often, while Brigid’s embarrassing display is occurring, a guinea hen will hop in and take up Brigid’s now-vacated role as chaser, while the original chased guinea continues to run in circles. The guinea hens will persevere in this manner, chasing and being chased, often for so many repetitious circlings that your attention is drawn elsewhere, and Brigid returns to take up the role of chaser again.

A resident guinea in a rare non-chasing moment.

I fail to understand the purpose of “chase” and as a matter of personal pride, I refuse to participate in any chase-adjacent activities…even and especially when Marge the Mammoth Dog approaches, seeking to engage me in similar motions. My goal is to expend as few calories as possible, so a wanton usage of energy for no apparent purpose is difficult for me to countenance. But as a cat of expansive analytical capacities, I do desire insight into the varied behaviors of species residing at the Patch – that is one of my tasks as resident linguist, after all.

And so it is that I conclude, with a high level of confidence, that “chase” exists for dogs and guineas in a similar zone of pleasure as yellow songbirds do for myself. When faced with a flutter of colorful wings, my senses are excited, and I possess explosive capabilities that enable me to leap and successfully snatch small bird bodies in mid-air, a feat of physicality that many admire.

But the similarities end there. It is by divine right that I catch and consume colorful songbirds, so when you reprimand me sternly for such behavior, I feel not even a shred of dismay or remorse, nor will I ever demean myself in performative apology. Intellectual empathy can be extended only so far, and this cat is a feline first.

Awash in closely-held and entirely justified pride,

Henry