Henry the Hen-Pecked

Greetings.

You were planning on obtaining the services of an assistant barn cat, correct? I have been faithfully persisting in my Patch duties despite working conditions that ask far too much of one cat, and beseech your aid in my never-ending toil.

As a member of the Patch Union, I have presented my case to the Head Hen. In the hopes that a reminder of my need might spur you to action, I’m including a transcript of our conversation here:

Henry: “Given my situation, what action might the union recommend or support?”

Head Hen: “Your situation? You mean your inability to exert in any sustained manner? Or your consistent self-absorption and endless whining?”

[Please note that the Head Hen often appears testy in conversation. Her tone was in no way directed at me personally. In fact, I believe she was a bit overwrought due to an inability to appropriately manage her emotions.]

Henry: “I have been promised a barn cat assistant, and no assistant has materialized. The mouse population continues to increase, and it appears that there is a reduced number of colorful songbirds due to human-caused large-scale climatic changes.”

[I may have emitted a series of plaintive cat wails at this point and writhed about in justified agony upon the ground, but I’m sure readers can empathize with my feelings of overwhelm. My desire to placate the Head Hen surely comes through, as does my rhetorical skill in dealing with an individual who might not be my full intellectual equal.]

Head Hen: “I’ve dispatched a cadre of hens to take over mouse patrol in the hay shed, as our sleep has been interrupted by the noise of nighttime rodent activity in the stored grain. We are doing your work, while you lie about. The action I recommend is yours. Stir yourself and set about catching mice. Immediately.”

[I’ve interpreted the Head Hen’s command as a suggestion that I entreat you more forcefully for assistance. Clearly, her directive that I catch more mice is metaphorical only.]

Head Hen: “I’m not kidding, Henry. Remember that the geese are checking to make sure you are actually working. They do enforce non-compliance for the union. Those long necks have a significant reach, and geese can use their beaks with percussive force.”

[Checks? Unionized geese? Enforcement? Oh, dear.]

I must away. No time for lengthy goodbyes.

In absentia,

Henry