Greetings.
Like humans who perform multiple jobs, I, too, struggle to juggle my varied responsibilities. As a cat of class and respectability, I perform cursory mouse-control for a robust rodent population. Were you aware of the rapidly reproducing colony of mice in the greenhouse? And their consistent predation of the chicken feed bags in the hay shed?
Given my expanding rodent responsibilities, how can I also get in the necessary hours of performative barn-cat comfort sleeping? The strain of these dueling responsibilities is taxing my reserves. I would suggest an additional barn cat who could act as my assistant.
To add to my already expanding workload, Patch residents seem to see me as some sort of messenger service. For example, the chickens requested that I inform you that the One Communal Egg protest is concluded. The clamor of constant crowing had become intolerable for the hens, but now that you have reduced the number of roosters, the chickens’ requirement for basic workplace safety has been met, and they are, once again, providing eggs.
Also…the head hen did explain rooster psychology to me at length, and asked that I communicate to
you how very prone roosters are to deceptive behavior. According to the head hen, some are even consistent braggarts. For example, Cliff the Rooster (nlwu – farmstead shorthand for “no longer with us”) fabricated his repeated refrain – “I am the best-looking thing ever. See my stunning tail feathers. I will rule the wor-rold.” The Other Rooster (also nlwu, not with us even long enough to get a name) was similarly dishonest, and would face off with Cliff and crow: “No, I am the best looking thing ever. See my stunning tail feathers. I will rule the wor-rold.”
Also…according to the head hen, the desire to “rule the world” indicates a condition that hens call terminal narcissism. The head hen advised preventative culling as a means of “eliminating” (her word choice, not mine) any rooster suffering from such an overblown sense of self-worth, or the hens will deal with the matter themselves.
Given the numerous demands on my time, it is with sincere hopefulness that my request for barn cat assistance might be heard and acted on.
In exhaustion,
Henry
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