Henry the Ambitious

Greetings.

I must ask: How many more animals will there be? Seasoned Patch residents such as myself have seen the addition of Guinea hens, pigs, chickens, geese, Marge, and now Brigid, yet another dog! The original members of the Patch Collective request some assurance that matters have not careened out of control.

Rest assured, we recognize that your fondness for all creatures has been the impetus for our presence at the Patch. Your care for animals is a good thing, but we’d like to limit it to those of us already present. Speaking for myself, I begin to wonder. Will it ever end? There are rumors afoot regarding donkeys, meat goats, rabbits, and even emus. Emus!?

Please note that your desire to increase the number and variety of life forms at the Patch brings significant costs to others, including this desperately over-worked feline. As I attempt to avoid all physical proximity to the geese, I remain committed to my linguistic efforts, even at risk of my own death and/or dismemberment. My position as Patch Linguist has required that I gain fluency in chicken, pig, Guinea hen, goose, and rudimentary dog (limited not by my linguistic skills but rather by the intellectual range of dogs). I now perform translation in five distinct languages for no additional compensation or even an upgrade in the quantity or quality of my food.

As a matter of preparedness, I’ve begun a study of emu grammar. Were you aware that emus grunt? I am intrigued by the potential for emu-pig communication, facilitated by my adroit assistance, of course. I anticipate meaningful collaboration with other skilled linguistic practitioners, as I am experiencing increasing acclaim and even some notoriety for my proficiency in farmstead communication.

Oh, never mind. Keep the creatures coming. I thrill to linguistic discovery.

In pursuit of intellectual challenge,

Henry