Greetings from your loyal linguist.
Despite the Head Hen’s critique regarding my “ambient level of narcissism,” I sincerely desire to perform admirably in my post as Patch linguist. The Patch Translation Project continues apace, although with somewhat diminished speed given my ever-increasing list of translation responsibilities. As I mentioned before (see Henry the Compulsive), I bear the responsibility for translation in five separate animal languages, along with Jorge’s challenging Pacific Northwest dialect and tongue thrust.
Even with this heavy workload, I continue to perform at the highest level of feline linguistic capabilities. At the risk of being self-congratulatory or even prideful, I must say how pleased I am with the results of my efforts over this last year, even to the point of smugness. I know that you were unconvinced of the need for such a translation endeavor. Such a position is difficult to countenance, as it is now abundantly clear how absolutely indispensable the Patch Translation Project has been in enhancing the ambience of the Patch and enabling expanded empathy and understanding between and among Patch residents.
It is to the high calling of inter-species communication that I wish to draw your attention. I am aware of your animistic practices, and know that you see trees and wind as autonomous beings not entirely unlike Meg and Marge and the pigs or even (gasp) myself. I will suggest, though, that all of my attempts to establish contact with the multitude of plants at the Patch, from the spotted knapweed to the largest cottonwood tree, have all fallen on literally deaf ears. I have received no response of any kind.
Rest assured, as a linguist of the highest caliber, there is no chance that the silence is due to error or lack of understanding on my part. I’ve concluded, rather, that trees and plants and sunshine simply do not communicate. There can be no other rational explanation.
Consider my official position submitted. I expect that the matter of varied communication and a broad understanding of diverse forms of intelligence – and even the definition of life itself – be put to rest. To that end, the hierarchy of being remains fully operational with cats as the supreme embodiment of evolutionary excellence.
In satisfaction,
Henry
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